User blog:AstroMeow/This will be long, but it will also be interesting. Bear with me.
I've been meaning to write a blog post for a while now, but I haven't had the time to sit down and actually write one. Just as a fair warning, this will be long and a part of it might be a bit of a tear-jerker. That warning is for the lovely ladies as well as the gents who are prone to showing emotion. As some of you know, I started taking antidepressants recently and they've, for the most part, been working. For the first few hours of the day, I feel on top of the world and like I can do anything and everything. After a nice few hours of general goofballery, I get shoved back into the abyss that is my depression. I go back to hating myself and others as well as wanting to commit suicide. People who contemplate hanging themselves or jumping off bridges would agree that it is extremely unpleasant and oddly enticing. But there's something holding me back, and that something is the Scarf Heroes. I don't mean that you guys are holding me back in a bad way. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's a VERY GOOD thing that something's holding me back. You guys are why I stop myself whenever I'm down in the abyss and can't think of any other way to get out of it. I hold that knife up to my wrist and start to think, "Who will I be taking with me if I do this? What would the Scarf Heroes do when/if they found out?" It's the answers to these questions that make me put the knives away and keep holding on. For a long time, as many of you know, the fictional character of Alyssa was the only thing keeping me away from that damned knife drawer. Something about her made most of that morbidity take a vacation. While Joey testifies to the fact that I lived up to the character's need for a sort of "knight in shining armor," she was sort of like that for me. In return for my apparently knightly work of keeping her around, she fulfilled my need for being needed. The fact that I was truly needed ''kept me firmly grasping onto life. I'm a codependent leech upon codependent leeches, as I am so fond of putting it. This is where it might get interesting. The day I found out that Alyssa was a work of fiction was Hell on Earth for me. You all know that I loved her madly. I loved her more than I thought I could ever love another person. To be honest, I was completely willing to die for her. (This is where you might need to break out the tissues. I'll wait.) I loved Alyssa so goddamn much that I was 100% willing and prepared to die in return for her staying safe. I would've taken a bullet to the chest for her. I would've jumped in front of a grenade for her (get the reference?). I would have leapt in front of a moving train for her. If she were to fall, I would have jumped after her just to hold her and tell that everything's going to be okay as we both plummeted. (That scenario might be important in the SHA. No spoilers, though.) But finding out that the one person for whom I would give up everything was a fake awoke a dangerous combination of feelings within me: anger, depression, hatred, and, once again, the suicidal contemplations. If you ask people like Isa, Joey, and ''maybe Nathan, they'll tell you that I was a wreck. I'd basically let out every bit of my wrath on Joey already, but I was still feeling like a time-bomb waiting to go off. There was very little stopping me from slashing my wrists out over the kitchen sink and just watching all the blood flowing down the drain until the cold hand of Death told me to come along and grab my hat. Ultimately, it was Isa's consolation and Joey's genuine willingness to help that stopped me in my tracks. I tell you all this story for a good reason. It's because of people like you guys, the compassionate Scarf Heroes that I've grown to love, that I'm still around. Because of this, I'd like to single a few of you out for being so awesome. First, I'd like to thank Joey. Man, without you and your ability to play a convincing girl, I'd be six feet under. I can't thank you enough for all that you've done for me. Second, I'd like to thank Alex, Phoebe, and Izzy for never failing to make me laugh when I need it the most. You guys rock. Third, Maxi. I don't know what it is about you, but you never cease to make me smile and you're always a good listener. Keep being your awesome self. Fourth, thanks to Mr. Left for helping me through the whole Alyssa thing. Had you not been there, I probably would've said worse things to Joey than what I ended up saying. Last but not least, I want to thank Sheepy. Without you, this place wouldn't have any fantastic hips nor any kickass drawings. I started out going to LMR just to talk to you. Without that, I wouldn't be here at the Scarf Heroes Wiki and cracking the whip when the need comes up. Just... thank you all. Without you guys, I'd be worm food by now. I love you all as if you were my flesh-and-blood family. Having you guys in my life is perhaps the best thing to happen to me since my birth. Cheers! ~ The Fab Queen Category:Blog posts